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bedevilledbijou

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mush. [Mar. 13th, 2020|12:30 pm]


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journal partially locked :)hehe.
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(no subject) [Jan. 5th, 2010|12:16 am]
i felt really powerless today. i felt this way when my late grandmother was ill too. why are human beings so powerless? we can start war, end it, create nuclear weapons, head an entire organization, slow down global warming.. but why cant we save lives? why do we seem unable to hold on to our loved ones? why do we watch them slip away little by little every single day without being able to do anything? cancer sucks. i fucking hate cancer.


my tear ducts are working on overdrive these past few days. and when you cry alot you use up alot of energy, which means you need to eat. and damn have i been eating alot. like alottttttttttttt. i took leave from work today cos my family needed me more and i wanted to be there. so lesser income this month means i have to watch my expenses but i eat alot howwwwwww. im craving for sushi right now omg.
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(no subject) [Jan. 4th, 2010|09:29 pm]
put a smile on my face will you? anyone?
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between you and me. [Jan. 4th, 2010|01:52 am]
be strong grandpa. i know you'll never read this but this conveys all that my heart wishes to say to you. you're in the hospital right now and you're not doing too well. in fact, the doctor says its just a matter of time. but i hope you pull through, one way or another. i may be the grandchild whos most distant to you out of the many that you have but i hope you know that i love you all the same. seeing you lying there the other night barely hanging on caused me pain and grief i could barely imagine for someone i barely had contact with, this proves that blood is really thicker than water. yet this all feels too familiar, surreal almost. i look at you and i see my father, his gentle eyes, his quite demeanour. i wish we were closer, i wish i had spent more time with you but its too late for that now. i know you're in a lot of pain and i hope you pull through but if you have to go, i hope you go with ease. prayers are with you.



2010 now huh. well okay then.
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(no subject) [Dec. 22nd, 2009|03:36 pm]
hi, if anyone is in the spirit of giving.. i would really really reaaaaally love a leica dlux 4. pretty please, thankyou.
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EH BIG DEAL OKAY. [Dec. 17th, 2009|11:42 am]
i can do this to my hair now! i havent touched my hair in 6 months. i am rather impressed. please ignore my cute pyjamas, they're the most comfortable thing i own.
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(no subject) [Dec. 5th, 2009|12:29 pm]
freaking bored. should have worked today bahhh.
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(no subject) [Dec. 2nd, 2009|01:07 pm]
i love lenka's The Show. love the lyrics.

i need more time. thats ridiculous though isnt it? we dont need more time, we just need to learn to manage our time better. that said, i need more time. haha.
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(no subject) [Nov. 30th, 2009|02:59 am]
work has been back breaking but work equals to income so its all good. gatal customers? not so good. i clearly heard this one customer talking about his girlfriend, my girlfriend bought me a watch, met my girlfriend yesterday, girlfriend this girlfriend that then skali ask what time i end work, where im schooling, exchange numbers so we can be friends nabei go and stuff your head in an oven can? gonna ask for lesser hours next week so i can get some studying done and then its holiday time! woohoo cant wait, need a break. okay sleep beckons bye!
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(no subject) [Nov. 25th, 2009|12:10 am]
right now, there are mats at my void deck playing the guitar and singing and talking. they were there when i was going home just now, all 15-20 of them? hugeeee group. my dad saw them and told me to walk the other way. they were at the middle section so it wasnt so bad. right NOW? right underneath my house, somewhere to my... right. SHUT THE FUCK UP I NEED TO STUDY DONT YOU PEOPLE HAVE HOMES GOOD FREAKINNN LORD. i feel like opening the window and throwing eggs at them. wouldnt be wise now would it hahahaha. arggggghhhhhh need to study. eh its quiet now. okay bye.
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STFU. [Nov. 22nd, 2009|11:28 am]
headache

sleep

bye.
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those damned demons again. [Nov. 22nd, 2009|10:45 am]
people say you learn from your mistakes, you learn from your past. i wish i could say i am stronger now because of whatever has happened in the past. but im not. my past didn't make me stronger, it just made me more cautious. i have trust issues, i dont trust the people around me but i expect them to trust me. what is up with that? i feel like if i place my trust in someone, that person is bound to hurt me sooner or later. i dont like feeling like this. i dont like living like this. i want to be able to trust. because if you cant trust, then you cant love. simple as that. i dont think my past made me stronger, i think its breaking me down.

i have long accepted the fact that i wont be stick-thin or skinny or have a flat stomach (oh no i dont) or be any taller than that gnome in your backyard. I wont ever be a size 4 or 6 or a snug 8 (nowadays its a tossup between 8 and 10), i wont ever be able to pull off tight slutty sexy dresses without feeling like a pig stuffed in a bodycon dress. Im not tall, not skinny, not beautiful, i dont look like that or that. Im like this. This is me. And if you cant love me for me, then i would like it if you just dont love me at all.

Amazing how a random offhand remark from a loved one can completely destroy your self esteem. Then again, its because i let the words get to me. I know better now. I dont want to exact revenge or teach anyone a lesson he'll never forget (dont make me), im seeing this as something I have to learn. and trust me, i learned.
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guard your own heart; noone's gonna do it for you. [Nov. 19th, 2009|12:58 pm]
My father die, God rest his soul,
When years I numbered two,
And left me 'midst this world alone,
To paddle my own canoe. A step-grand-daddy, now no more,
Taught me my P's and Q.
And ever in my ears he dinned,
You'll paddle your own canoe. My home was no Elysian spot
Of bright and sunny hue,
And therefore I the sooner left,
To paddle my own canoe. And through the world I roamed at large,
O'er land and ocean blue;
And though the struggle oft was hard,
I paddled my own canoe. For thus I argued, man to man,
Is often,times untrue;
Then while with health and strength you're blest
Just paddle your own canoe. As partners in the strife for gain,
Self-interest will pursue;
And leave you with your debts, perhaps,
To paddle your own canoe. And then no sympathy you'll find
From friends who once were true;
They knew you lost when first you ceased
To paddle your own canoe. But I one cherished object sought
And ever kept in view;
A friend of pure unsullied heart,
'To paddle my own canoe. A friend she is in word and deed-
Her interest mine is too;
The twain are one - I still may say,
I paddle my own canoe.
-anon-

love many, trust few, learn to paddle your own canoe.
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happy birthday pretty baby! [Nov. 16th, 2009|12:01 pm]
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(no subject) [Nov. 1st, 2009|01:43 pm]

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went to the airport with the family couple of days back. wanted to eat at bulgogi but we had popeyes instead. urghh. anyway i wanna watch paranormal activity, heard its really good. girls? : D haha. or maybe we'll wait for lal to come back then we'll go catch it! HAHA. im serious.
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this. [Oct. 30th, 2009|07:50 pm]




via cherry blossom girl
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we're not that different afterall. [Oct. 29th, 2009|12:03 am]


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under the same skies.
 
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because i am not fragile. [Oct. 25th, 2009|05:50 pm]
something ended today. something i've given my heart and soul for, for the past 4 years. something i've willingly sacrificed my time and energy for. it ended today. in a manner all too abrupt.  some tears were shed by those in the same boat as me. but not me. because rather than sadness, i felt no distinct emotion. confusion would be the closest i suppose? it was one of the constants in my life & now i feel like i've lost my footing for awhile. so while i try to stand again, my mind needs to remain steadfast. i cant say exactly what it is, because i know there are people who wont see it the way i do. people who will brush my feelings aside. and that i cannot handle right now.

i considered locking this. but whats the point? i dont have much to hide. and why am i self-censoring myself? im doing that far too often these days. constantly watching what i say, what i do, what i eat, what i wear. life gets tiring like that. my entries are usually written after much thought and alterations but i wont do that today, today im speaking from my heart. i think im gonna try this from now on.
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(no subject) [Oct. 24th, 2009|01:54 am]
im one step ahead of you. always.
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(no subject) [Oct. 12th, 2009|05:05 pm]

i caught two movies yesterday. 500 days of summer and Haeundae: The Deadly Tsunami. I think the former needs no introduction, typical indie romcom with stellar leads but still pleasant to watch i must say. I just want to touch on the second movie. Excuse my ignorance but i didnt even know this movie existed till a dear friend brought it up and raved about it. Wasnt the least bit interested till my ears picked up on the word 'korean'.

Haeundae: The Deadly Tsunami is korea's first disaster movie with a big (to the koreans atleast) budget of 11 million US. I have to admit though, the first half of the movie is slightly draggy becasue they basically walk you down the lives of the different leads but i guess its important because it lets you grow some affection for certain characters as you witness their ups and downs. You feel for them because you know this is a disaster movie and you know shit's gonna happen to them later in the form of a hugeass wave. And yeah shit does happens.

If the first half of the film provided much laughter and entertainment, the second half is where disaster strikes. A little too heavy on karmic response in the second half i gotta say but then you'll understand the purpose of the first half of the movie and how it ties in nicely. You begin rooting for some characters to survive more than others, you become dumbfounded at the sheer stupidity of some, you watch in hapless silence at the impending doom the characters face & you shed some tears for the fallen esp those who sacrificed themselves for the lives of strangers. Okaylarh i didnt cry (but i know someone who did HEHEHE) because the friend on my right wouldn't let me forget it for the rest of my freakin life had i so much as sniffled. so with that horrifying thought in mind, i willed myself not to cry though i seriously wanted to bawl at some parts. Im not one for sappy movies that tug at your heartstrings, ive only ever cried watching armageddon and click ( you probably did too dont lie) so for a disaster movie to make me feel the way i did says alot.

Admittedly, this film does fall a little short in certain aspects. The visual effects could have been better ,go a little easy on the whole filial piety, overbearing mothers family thing that just screams ASIAN but then again this IS a korean movie.

When you watch it, bear in mind this is korea's first foray into the disaster genre and despite the bad reviews and lack of hype, this is still a movie worth catching & im considering watching it again, maybe with danial this time. then maybe, i can bawl my eyes out. GO CATCH IT!

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haha you can obviously tell im not any good at writing movie reviews but i HAD TO for this film so pardon the longwindedness. here's what we were up to before we decided to catch a movie that night. the other option was karaoke. hmm.


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my camera was perched precariously (big word eh asnul? dude why do you look like bangla here haha go tanning sumore la :P) on lal's car for this. eeks.

school tomorrow byeee! anyeong!
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